new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
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