where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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