someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
