You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
