im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
