The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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