I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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