He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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