did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
