3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
