the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
