I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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