I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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