hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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