mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
