Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
