you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
A bitchslap is in order.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
