oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
