I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
