Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
