I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
