i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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