My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He shit in the fireplace
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
