Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
