I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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