I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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