I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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