so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize