Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
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I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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