im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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