Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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