for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
