I wish I could teleport
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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