please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
