I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Randomize
