I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
