Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
