During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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