Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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