Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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