at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
