I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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