I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
