I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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