New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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