Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
