Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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