things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
