It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
