my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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