I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
