I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i barfeds in our rink
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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