I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
