I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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